Label Me Fat: What’s with all the fluffy terms?

 Posted by on February 3, 2011
Feb 032011
 

By lunaKM

Chubby, chunky, curvy, rubenesque, round, plump, buxum, zaftig, plus-sized, bbw (big beautiful woman), ssbbw (super-sized big beautiful woman) and many more….

Why is it that when a woman is fat, they all of a sudden have all these descriptive labels they can slap on that fat? I mean, you go to an online forum and describe yourself, which labels do you choose? Are you a chubby? Or perhaps you like rubenesque? Maybe you stick with the more standard bbw? We are a people that thrives on social labels, but how can you define something that means something different to everyone.

For fat people the use of these labels makes sense. Most of the population that is fat is uncomfortable being fat; whether that be from their own poor body image or from the media telling them with every breath that they don’t fit in. So, in an effort to be more comfortable, we’ve made a bunch of terms apply to our bodies that are supposed to do two things: they make us feel better about the amount of fat we have and they disguise our fat by hiding behind a “fluffy term.”

I don’t like the fluffy terms. While I would prefer to use ‘fat’, I commonly use bbw and ssbbw to describe myself to others, it’s because these two terms have a more wide-spread definition and are less offensive. And yet these definitions are crud. BBW is a vague term to define a desirable overweight woman. And ssbbw means there’s a bit more big to the term. It’s still very vague. The other terms aren’t nearly as widely understood. What does chubby mean? Or plump? When can you call yourself curvy versus plus-sized or chunky?

If you go to a popular fetish social network and search for bbw, you’ll find a lot of variation in the bodies of people given. Many of those you may not even think could be considered bbw. And at least weekly someone will ask in the groups, when do they know they are bbw or ssbbw; and what weight makes this determination. So what makes someone a bbw and someone just above average? Simple and not so simple, the answer is personal definitions.

If you have to ask a group of your peers if you should define yourself as bbw or another fat term then you probably don’t fit into it; even if medically you do. Your personal view of yourself will define you. If you look in the mirror and can say, “I’m a BBW” and be comfortable with that, then you are. There’s no scale, no body type chart that helps you decide when you’ve reached bbw or ssbbw. No one is going to disagree with you if you describe yourself as a pump woman with a great ass. No one is going to say that now that you’ve gone from 299 to 300 that you mysteriously become SSbbw. It just doesn’t work that way.

Oh, and don’t be like my mother who insists that the reason I’m fat is because I’m big-boned. Larger skeletal structure has nothing to do with fat. A small percentage of women actually have large frames, myself included, but that means nothing when it comes to weight – the tennis pros – the Williams sisters come to mind. I have a large frame and I’m fat. (Want to know if you have a large frame? — Frame Size Calculator

The number on the scale — or on the tag of those fabulous jeans you’ve been dying to buy — doesn’t matter. What matters is how you see yourself and how you carry yourself whether you are 100, 200, 300 or more pounds. So those fluffy labels you use? If you like them and feel that the really do describe who you are then use them. I’ll be sitting pretty with the terms bbw and fat because that is who I am.

Who are you? How do you describe your body? I’d love to know in the comments.

Dating in Your Own Species: Looking for Poly Partners

 Posted by on January 31, 2011
Jan 312011
 

By Indigo

I find it funny that Nina Hartley knows the dynamics of my relationship. My partner V and Nina became fast friends after they met at a workshop at the Pleasure Chest in New York. V started spending time with Nina when she came to town and I knew V went to her when we were struggling in our relationship. I always knew what problem V was going to Nina about: my problem with dating woman who are not poly. So I decided, maybe I needed to ask Nina for some advice of my own.

A few months ago when she was in the city, I worked up the nerve to ask her. “Nina, as I am sure you already know, I have a problem,” I say. “I keep dating woman who are not poly. They always end up wanting me as a primary and messing with my relationship with V. I’m not sure what to do.” Nina smiled back at me with blue sister-girl eyes and said, “Girl, you need to start dating people in your own poly species. You must date people who understand the dynamics of having multiple loves and who identify as polyamorous. Otherwise, it’s just gonna be drama.”

It was quite some time before I took Nina’s advice (only because I am super stubborn). I continued to be attracted to women who were not polyamorous or were in bad relationships with their primary. This was a constant source of tension for me and my partner. I always felt disempowered, confused and torn between two women. V always felt like she was being pushed aside and silenced by my actions. What was more heartbreaking was trying to stick-it-out with a woman, hoping that one day she would cross over to the poly-side and I would miraculously have the relationship I wanted. I found myself constantly disappointed and upset, stuck in relationships where my needs where not being met and unfortunately dragged V right along with me.

I finally decided to stop being so stubborn and take Nina’s advice. I realized that any relationship that makes me and my partner feel hurt and disempowered is not a relationship worth having. Suddenly I am seeing reflections of myself from the past in couples around me. I am constantly meeting men who are dating woman, trying to convert and persuade their partners to be poly or kinky. I look at these guys and all I can see is their sheer disappointment of being with a person who is not interested in being poly. Trying to convince someone to be poly is a project I suggest no one take on. There are people who have done it and succeeded, but in my experience, I have found I’d rather put effort into a relationship with someone who is open and willing to follow a new set of rules.

So for all of you reading who are looking to have a stable, poly experience, I advise you to search for a poly community near you and inquire within. Dating folks who align with your idea of relationship is so important and is key in developing a strong sense of your poly self. You get to make the rules in your relationship, even if that means dating multiple people at once but if you date someone who doesn’t align with that, you will just continue to be disappointed.

Besides, if you’ve been following my column, you know I take advice from the best of the best! Thanks Nina Hartley

(If you are a fan of Nina Hartley, you may now that she is due for surgery in the next few weeks. Please support her by donating to http://www.giveforward.com/giveitawayfornina)

How I Found the Freedom to Be ME

 Posted by on January 28, 2011
Jan 282011
 

I remember the first time I heard about the BDSM and Fetish Scene. I must have been ten or twelve. A friend of mine and I had found my Dad’s Playboy magazines, and we curiously flipped through them. I remember seeing a picture of a woman in a black PVC outfit. It was so shiny and cool looking. I wanted to be like that woman!

My next introduction to it was a few years later. I must have been about thirteen when I read
The Story of O, which is an erotic narrative about the D/s lifestyle. (Don’t ask me where I got it, or why I was even allowed to read it. I read all the time and my parents didn’t pay much attention to my choices.) So, here I was, reading The Story of O, and I was fascinated by it. Needless to say, a little pervert was born!

I never really acted upon all these feelings and ideas that I had until I was much older. High school was pretty sexless for me, although I talked about it sometimes and thought about it a lot. My friends would talk about sex, but it was all tame, and no one else seemed to share my fascination with leather and PVC. When I talked about it, the guys got weird and the girls didn’t like me. The way people responded made me feel like a freak, so I stopped talking about it, but that didn’t keep me from being curious.

I didn’t have my first real boyfriend until I was out of high school, and he was very vanilla. He was an awesome guy, but I knew if I stayed with him I would end up living a very small life, and that was not what I wanted. I craved a fabulous, exciting life, with all kinds of wild adventures and wild parties. But that wasn’t what all the people around me were doing. Everything in my life was pretty mainstream, except for my ideas. My job, the college I went to, the place I lived, and the people surrounding me were all pretty normal. I didn’t feel like I fit in, but I played along with it.

One day, I got up the nerve to go to a Boston area club called Manray. I had been hearing about Manray for a long time, and it had a reputation for being very wild–all the “freaks” went there. No one I knew would go with me, and they looked at me funny when I asked. That is, until I mentioned it to my friend Brian at work, and he was all into the idea of going.

The first time we went was pretty awkward. We were both clearly under-dressed and lurked around the edges of the space. But this WAS where all the freaks were! There were people dressed in leather, PVC, and latex! There were cross dressers and transsexuals. The people were Heterosexual, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and everything in between. Doms led subs around on leashes. The music was awesome, and there were live spanking happening. It was sexy and fun, and I was in heaven!

Needless to say, I went back there every weekend. Pretty soon, I was rocking out my own PVC and leather outfits. I met all kinds of really cool people who weren’t afraid to embrace their fetishes and kinky desires. I had found my people, and to this day, some of my best friends are the people I met there.

You know what? I didn’t feel like a freak anymore… at least not in the bad sense of the word. I felt like I was accepted for who I was. I didn’t have to hide anymore. I was encouraged to let my freak flag fly and I did it proudly. That made a huge difference in my life. I didn’t realize how much I had been hiding who I was until I finally felt safe and had the freedom to fully be me. I became more comfortable in my own skin, and I was finally meeting people who shared the same tastes and desires that I had. It was so cool to be able to talk to other folks about these things and to learn from each other. I realize how important it was to surround myself with my right people, rather than my trying to fit-in to someone else’s ideas of who I should be.

My advice to you is to find your people! Surround yourself with people who aren’t afraid to let their freak flag fly. It’s amazing how different life can be when you feel accepted.

Israeli-American Defies Erotic Art Stereotypes

 Posted by on January 26, 2011
Jan 262011
 

By T.M. Bernard

I met Debi Oulu through a mutual contact, and when she invited me to her latest exhibit, I eagerly agreed. Married with three children, in that ambiguous space just past youth and on first appearances living a conventional life, just what was this Tel Aviv suburbanite doing in her studio to create such a fuss in certain art circles? I simply had to find out for myself.

Turns out that this mom-next-door artist was exploring her fascination with the flaccid penis, one homage-paying sculpture/lollipop/video art at a time.

Erotica most often involves naked female forms. When males are included in the mix, they usually fall under the auspices of homoerotic art or as part of a heterosexual couple. And our eyes are often drawn to his erect member. It’s all about the angles, his sex wand, and overt sexualized masculinity. There’s plenty of masculinity in Debi’s art, and plenty of humor and femininity too, as her recently released erotic video reveals.

What differentiates this artist, however, is her compassion and care for the soft cock. After all, every aspect of a man, every part of his body, is worthy of reverence, including the non-erect phallus.

We recently spoke about her craft, the advice she gives to her volunteers before she takes a mold, why older men are sexier, and what it is that she likes so much about her, um, subjects.

What’s it like to take a mold of a man’s penis?

Well, the hard part (pun intended) is to do the mold while the penis remains flaccid!

If I take a cast of a man, it is because he wants to (I have no lack of volunteers by the way), and therefore there is no shame. I am a very open person and people seem very comfortable being themselves when they are with me. There are always lots of laughs! Since I am in a monogamist relationship with my partner, and I am very clear about that, there is not any confusion.

If I need to take a cast of a mans penis in a flaccid state, I recommend he masturbates before hand, and the problem is usually solved. Again, I think when people are open about their sexuality, and comfortable with it, life is much more comfortable and pleasant.

Tell me about the men in the video. Tell me how you get your subjects?

The first man in the video to appear is my husband, after that are male friends of mine (one rides a Harley, another was my first art instructor, another my music buddy) – I like that they are all a bit older men and with character – not your typical young model type of guy – in my opinion these guys are far more sexy.

Why the phallus and not the vulva? As a woman, people might assume you’d be more inclined to go with the parts you have…

I too find it interesting that I found myself making penis sculptures again and again – it was then that I decided to investigate this further and to create a series of pieces called, ”My Penis and I” Most of my recent work is an exploration of this subject.

I look at the penis as an extension of myself. While physically separate from my body, it is very much an essential part of my life in so many different levels. My feelings toward the penis change many times at any given time of the day. Yet at the same time, it is most defiantly male and probably the most central part of who they are. I find this whole subject fascinating. In regards to the vulva, I guess since it is such an integral part of me as much as my eyes and my hands and my nose, I don’t really question its existence, it simply ”is”.

My life is so conventional…the only difference is that I put out for everyone to see, in plain view, my inner thoughts and views on sexuality. Most people feel this is a private matter, and thus tend to not deal with their own issues regarding their sexuality. I think if we would all just put our sexuality out on the kitchen counter, we will all see that we are not so different from each other, and variants of the same thing are quite common. We can then begin to accept our sexuality and ourselves more fully.

Discuss more with me your interest in showing the non-erect and erect penis.

I find there is a certain vulnerability in the flaccid penis. Also it is the most natural state for it to be in. And the opposite, erect penis is so clear in its message and meaning, that I find it less interesting a subject (although there are times when an erect penis is just what my sculptures need).

In your opinion, why are so many cultures interest in phallic symbols?

It’s funny that you mention phallic symbols – because whenever I think of phallic symbols in our society and throughout history, it’s always of the erect penis. Kinda puts a lot of pressure on men, and a bit over expectation by women.

Unexpected Resources

 Posted by on January 25, 2011
Jan 252011
 

By Micah Schneider

I recently spent the weekend at one of my favorite conventions of the entire year. Arisia is the largest sci-fi convention in New England. Almost three thousand geeks, nerds and freaks of every kind come together in a four-day gathering unlike any other conference I’ve attended.

Arisia is unusual amongst its kind. This is not a “typical” sci-fi con. It would be better described as a geek culture convention. There are plenty of panel discussions on science fiction literature and media, but that is only the tip of the iceberg. Hundreds of panels cover topics of interest to every kind of geek under the sun: writing, burlesque, housekeeping, anime, knitting, fantasy films, art, gaming, astronomy, cosplay, and more. If you can’t find something fun to do here, you aren’t trying.

What really makes Arisia unusual is the strength of its adult and alternative programming. There are panels and discussions that take place here every year that one would normally only expect to find at a public kink event or a sexuality conference. Panels designed to cover the 101-type questions of both BDSM and polyamory are offered early in the weekend. Later topics get more advanced, such as the ever popular Home Depot in the Bedroom (how to have perverted fun with everyday household objects) and, new this year, a panel discussion on Negotiation in a BDSM context. “Advanced” poly topics such as creating a integrated poly home with multiple adults, sorting through jealousy issues and raising children in a multi-adult household are also available.

The folks that run the con (and in the interest of full disclosure, I am a member of the Arisia staff, on the Programming Team) do a pretty good job of bringing in new people every year to keep the programming fresh, and thinking up new topics. Some topics get run every year, such as the Home Depot panel, while others get rotated in and out depending on the interests of the panelists. This past year, Arisia was lucky enough to have Princess Kali (and if you are reading this, I know I don’t have to tell you anything about her!) on a number of panels. Other nationally and locally prominent presenters and educators have also been to Arisia.

This programming draws a sizeable audience of folks that are interested in it. By the end of the weekend, the panelists and the folks in the audience all start to get to know each other. As a regular, on both sides of the paneling table, I can personally attest that I have made lasting friendships with people like myself just by attending this event.

One common question people ask, whether they are poly, queer, kinky or some combination thereof, is “How do I meet people like me?” The standard advice often includes finding your local meet-ups and munches, joining email lists or internet groups focused on your area. But sometimes, resources are available in unexpected places. Arisia is, at its heart, a convention for people interested in science fiction and fantasy, but geeks have a wide variety of interests. The intersection of geeks and alternative sexuality and relationships is nothing new, so at the right event, you can take advantage of that to meet new people.

Erotic Comics

 Posted by on January 24, 2011
Jan 242011
 

By Erin Fae

*mmmm*

*slurp*
*OH! OH! OOHH!*

Comics have always been about fantasy and narrative. Thus, it should come as no surprise that there are explicitly erotic comics that explore every degree of sexuality. It’s not all tentacle sex, either, which is what often springs to mind when one mentions comics and sexuality. The sensual comics I find most titillating tell stories of realistic (or almost realistic) characters who have delicious sex and interesting relationships. There’s a wealth of material to explore, from a graphic novel version of The Story of O to gossip and folklore of an Iranian family’s sexual history. Even Superman’s co-creator Joe Shuster drew fetish art. Just imagine how much more fun those original super hero stories would have been if Lois Lane was into bondage!

One of my favorite naughty comics is Small Favors by Colleen Coover. With the subtitle “A Girly Porno Comic,” you know you are in for a treat. The comic’s loose plot is based around Annie, who is assigned a small guardian by her conscience who is meant to prevent her from masturbating. No sooner is she handed over to her size-shifting keeper, Nibbil, than the two fall in love, and embark on sexy adventures. The drawing style is a bit Sunday funnies (think Betty and Veronica, but with a modern twist), which makes it more accessible. There’s something familiar about these drawings, but these girls are definitely not going to be found between pages of your newspaper; they’d get it too wet with hot depictions of girl-on-girl sex. The characters appear in some familiar porn scenarios: a naughty nurse and patient threesome, a costume party turned orgy, and a picnic basket full of dildos and phallic vegetables. Sex is fun, and this comic wants to remind you of the power of play.

For stories about queer politics, feminist bookstores, and tangled sex drama, I always return to Dykes To Watch Out For, a seminal queer comic by Alison Bechdel. The “essential” strips (spanning 25 years) were compiled into graphic novel form, which is an excellent read about love, sex and the history of queer life in America. The characters are constantly responding to what is going on in the world around them while trying to make sense of their own lives. Ultimately, though, the comic is about relationships. Regardless of your sexual identity, you’re likely to find something (or someone) familiar in Bechdel’s pages.

Want more? Don’t know where to start? Luckily, there have been a few recent annual anthologies of erotic comics. The books gather together short strips and excerpts from the year’s best dirty pictures. There’s something to appeal to every taste in erotic comics. These drawn stories come in varying degrees of love, lust, cheeky fun, kinky boundary pushing and sexy good times. Comics may not be the most typical place to find the erotic, but it may be one of the most fun.

Sacrifice and Offering

 Posted by on January 23, 2011
Jan 232011
 

By Ms. Selina Minx

Sacrifice, offering and renunciation are universal spiritual concepts. They are all interconnected, the basic effect being the transfer of energy from the supplicant to the institution, deity or top. Whether it is a tithe, giving up something for Lent, or the complete rejection of all physical comforts, sacrifice is a mainstay of the three main religions currently dominating our planet. As a pagan, sacrifice is also important, with offerings made in the form of nearly anything desirable. Different pagan Gods and

Goddesses prefer different sacrifices or offerings, and different rituals can accompany each.

The offering of blood, or the sacrifice of a life is an ancient concept, harkening back to the days of sympathetic magic. The rain of blood upon an unyielding, infertile field was a way of infusing the land with the vitality of the sacrificed beast. The idea of appeasing the Gods to gain their favor works just as well when your God/Goddess is a human top. To spill blood, to endure pain, these are transfers of energy, and when done with intent will make an energetic deposit to the chosen recipient. Sacrifice of any kind creates an expectation of return, be it attention, training or other investment.

Energy transfer is deeply incorporated into the BDSM life path. Taking the form of tributes, chastity, sensory deprivation, intense sensation and more. The act of giving something up exemplifies the life of a slave. It may be as simple as giving up a level of comfort, and transferring that abundance to their Mistress/Master, or it may be a complex series of ritual actions including masturbation, chastity, self-flagellation and genuflection before a shrine depicting the Mistress/Master. Even simple nudity in the presence of the Top is a renunciation of the freedom to leave, the freedom to cover one’s self, the freedom to adorn the body and the ritualized renunciation of the rights of ownership.

Let’s take a closer look at the myriad ways that sacrifice is expressed in the BDSM life path.

A tribute is an easy, simple way to make an offering in an SM context. Using the concentrated energy of money to transfer resources to the Mistress/Master is an effective way to express your appreciation and gain favor. A tribute transfers the power of your time and expertise into a format easily traded for anything the Mistress/Master may desire.

An offering is slightly more complicated because it requires that you know what will please your Mistress/Master. Some may want chocolate and champagne, others only want latex. Traditional religious offerings of flowers, incense and food may also be appropriate.

Sensory Deprivation is a rather dramatic way of giving up of power. Surrendering the ability to see, hear, speak or move is the surrendering of one’s humanity. One places themselves entirely in the hands of their Top when they give up their senses, and becomes the passive recipient of whatever the top deems appropriate.

Chastity is the surrender of control over one’s own sexuality for the enjoyment of the Mistress/Master. A Dominant may enjoy controlling every aspect of a slave’s sexuality, including only allowing them sensation or release when they are in the presence of the Top and have fulfilled the Top’s requests. This offering of sexual energy is an intense form of renunciation which severely underlies the power dynamic. Some Dominant’s may require a slave to masturbate for them, other’s may strictly forbid any pleasurable touching of the self. I personally prefer to require my slaves to masturbate, but to forbid them orgasm until the energy has been raised to the level I desire. The intensification of the submissive urge when release has been delayed is a most useful adaptation to traditional chastity. It also makes a slave most receptive to instruction. A similar technique is employed when training animals using food as the reward. The animal is kept hungry so they are motivated to perform trained actions for food.

Intense sensation is to make an offering of pain for the enjoyment of the top. This also works when your Top is a God or Goddess. Suffering is, at it’s root, the sacrifice of comfort and ease. The conscious offering of pain, physical or emotional, is a very powerful transference of energy. The use of pain as an offering is most appropriate for the sadist/masochist dynamic, but is also useful in B/D situations. A slave may offer to take a number of lashings to make up for a mistake, or simply to show their devotion to the Mistress/Master. This can be expanded out to include anything which diminishes a slave’s comfort. Things like sleeping on the floor, going without underwear, getting a piercing are popular demands.

Giving up something that one enjoys for a higher purpose is an elegant way to improve one’s self. The motivation to please a top, or gain the favor of a Deity is an excellent way to navigate the self into a higher expression. We are all imperfect beings. By leveraging our attunement to favored archetypes we leverage our soul beyond what we could normally achieve.

Blessings,

Ms. SM

Dark Moon Blog

Jan 20, 2011

Fat Acceptance Begins With You

 Posted by on January 22, 2011
Jan 222011
 

By lunaKM

Fat isn’t just a physical attribute; it’s an identity. Fat people tend to do two things when it comes to their appearance. The either let the fat define them, or they start defining what fat should be. When I realized that fat was going to be with me for the long haul I had to make that decision; I chose to define fat as sexy and beautiful.

A common misconception is that fat people have to be miserable and unhappy. I mean with all the diet pills and fads out there trying to push us all to get our bodies down to a socially acceptable level just so we can fit in are the top of the iceberg. Through all the media and poor light shed on being overweight it has caused many of my friends and acquaintances to become depressed when, if they would just look within, they could find their own happiness.

Using fat to define who you are is much like saying that all blondes are stupid or your momma is a good lay. We know there are myths and the jokes are just mere fun. So when I read a headline that says all fat people are lazy or unhealthy I want to laugh at the author. It’s not an acceptable decision to buy into the stereotypes that the media believes are true. People need to be more intelligent than to take something at face value anymore.

Fat Acceptance is a growing movement that tries to share the truth about being fat in that it doesn’t cripple us as part of the society but rather enriches it. They also help bring awareness to obesity discrimination and abuses based on someone’s weight.

Joining a group might be the answer for you, but let’s look inward for a moment. You are fat. You are going to be fat for awhile even if you do wish to lower your weight. Accepting your body as it is and loving it is the important first step to acceptance at large. Just because you’ve packed on a few (hundred) pounds does not mean you can’t look good, enjoy clothing and accessories, get your hair and makeup done on a regular basis and go about your life in comfort and pride.

I used to be where you are. I used to hide behind baggy sweat shirts and frumpy jeans. I used to let my personal hygiene go and stopped caring what I looked like. I was an ugly fat person, right? I wanted to blend into the background and not be noticed. What it did instead was make me a target. A very big target. In some ways I know now that I was just making the misconception more realized. I looked lazy and unhealthy. I felt lazy and unhealthy and I know that I even was lazy and unhealthy for awhile.

But once I accepted who I was and started loving my body for what it was and could (and couldn’t) do for me things started turning around for the better. I’m put together. I wear make up and do my hair every day. I care about how I dress and how it looks to others. I want to be seen as a beautiful, sexy fat woman. I think people see me now without the label of fat, even if I am.

There’s nothing wrong in that either. I’ve taken those steps to make fat a part of me, but not define me. Never again will I drag myself down by saying, “If only I were skinny, or thinner, then I could……” You can do it now. Stop telling yourself otherwise. There is glamor in curves, there is sex appeal in a soft squishy body and there can be health in a round rosy cheek.

Let us all redefine fat and not let fat redefine you! Begin using powerful words to describe yourself. You are confident and sexy. You are energetic and full of passion. These words are not untouchable to you. No longer should you feel chained to the stigma of obesity and fat culture. Embrace your curves and lumps. Men have written poetry about the human body since creation. You are just as much a muse as the next person. I want to see you start seeing that beauty can be found in you as well.

Trolls, Creeps and Other Volunteers

 Posted by on January 20, 2011
Jan 202011
 

By AliceSin Aerie

In every organization or party there’s always that small minority of individuals who, if you had your way, would not be on the invitation list. They are not appealing in appearance and/or personality. On top of everything else, not only are they always around but often they are on staff.

The kink scene of our fantasies is always filled with beautiful people, yourself included. Then there is reality. While there are some beautiful people, the majority of kinky folks are just… folks. They are people of average looks and abilities, many of whom would look more at home at a game of Dungeons and Dragons than a BDSM dungeon. When your mom told you that you were special, you were – to her. To the rest of us you are just one of the crowd. That crowd also includes the below average, and more importantly, those who really give their all because they care.

You see, it’s those who do the work who make the difference. You may pay your dues or your door fee but what really makes the kink scene keep on ticking are the people who give tirelessly of themselves. It’s not glamorous work and most of what needs to be done are tasks that organization members and party goers have no knowledge of.

Unfortunately when the average kinkster doesn’t have knowledge of what goes into the activities they enjoy, the result is cannibalism.

Not in the flesh eating sense, you perv. The reality is that those who would rather complain than contribute add to the burn out of the few who are doing the heavy lifting. It doesn’t take long for them to become overworked, feel under appreciated, and ultimately quit. When the membership of an organization has no insight into how their organization operates they often feel that their complaint about a particular issue is paramount to all other functions and concerns of the constituency. Instead of approaching concerns and conflicts directly through appropriate channels, poison pen e-mail or, worse yet, public internet postings are often made. When the kangaroo court of public opinion weighs in, inevitably the org or individuals within it are damned. This makes good people walk away. It makes volunteers hard to find. Who would sign up for that shit?

The current trend is for those who bitch the loudest to be the least likely to step up and accept personal responsibility. This needs to change.

The next time you are greeted at the door of your local kinky establishment by someone you wouldn’t add to your invite list, take a moment to recognize that this person added you to theirs. They are working several hours a week on their own dime for your benefit.

When you have a less than positive experience and whip up a nasty-gram, think before you send it. Ask yourself if you are approaching the appropriate people in the appropriate forum to have your concerns addressed. Make sure your correspondence addresses not only what you see wrong but your appreciation of what is right. The less you force people into a defensive posture the more likely they are to help you. If they didn’t want to genuinely help, they wouldn’t be busting their tokhes.

Most importantly, consider giving some of your own time. Learn how your organization works. Learn who and what you are voting for. Learn what your dues and door fees are supporting. If you don’t like what’s going on behind the scenes you have two choices. You can either walk away and revoke your support or you can pitch in to make it better for everyone.

Where Unimportance Takes Us

 Posted by on January 19, 2011
Jan 192011
 

By Rayne

People occasionally talk about ignoring someone (or being ignored) as punishment in a consensual owner/property relationship. For those who believe in ”Let the punishment fit the crime.” it’s often used in response to the submissive being disrespectful in speech. And M has never really used it.

Oh, he’s been known to sit me in the middle of the bed, with nothing to do, and go about his business until I calm down. But I’ve never really considered that ”being ignored” since he’s never close enough to actually ignore me. And since I’m not allowed to say anything but ”Master, I’m sorry.”, there’s nothing for him to ignore.

But he does ignore me. Quite frequently, in fact. I have to repeat myself pretty often before some things actually sink in. And I’m not just talking days later, when the conversation comes back up, he’s forgotten, temporarily, what I said to him. I mean he ”forgets” whole conversations literally seconds after having them, even though he actually responded, and helped make a decision.

When we’re in public, if I don’t forget that I get weird looks for asking to buy something as silly as an $0.88 box of candy canes that’s on sale for half off, I try to sort of announce what I want to do, rather than asking, giving him the opportunity to say no without either of us having to deal with ten female heads (and one or two green male faces) swiveling to glare at him in indignation. Because, though they’re oblivious to the fact that they just ran their cart over your toe, or that they’re blocking the entire aisle, they certainly hear, without much trouble at all, a woman asking her husband if he minds if she buys something she wants.

And it’s not that he forgets. He doesn’t forget. He just literally wasn’t paying attention. His mind was on his job, or the grocery list, or Angry Birds (no, I’m not joking), and, like the vanilla husband engrossed in the Super Bowl, he gave me the answers he thought I wanted to hear, not really paying attention to what he was agreeing to.

However…

Unlike the vanilla husband, who will, undoubtedly, be held to the promises he made, M knows that later, when I press him on whatever it was he agreed to, he can say, ”Oh, I obviously wasn’t listening. I don’t think that’s a good idea. Maybe another time.” and that’ll (mostly) be the end of it. I’ll probably spout off with a few choice words, and I’ll most likely spend the next hour, or so, stomping around the house and responding in one word answers. But when push comes to shove, I’ll shrug it off like the good little slave girl, and ask again another day, when he’s less busy, and more attentive.

Sometimes, this really pisses me off. I mean, geezum crow, I realize that I asked to be (somewhat) unimportant, and that my dream is to eventually be (mostly) irrelevant to much more than your pleasure, but is it too much to ask for you to just pay attention to me when I’m talking to you?

Wait…

This is where a better person than me would say, ”You know, Rayne. You’re getting what you asked for. He makes you important when he thinks you should be.”

To which I would respond, ”But he always makes me unimportant when I think I shouldn’t be. And it’s not like he actually pays attention to when he’s ignoring me, so it’s like he’s doing it unintentionally. Subconsciously, even! Not just because I asked for it. Almost like it’s just who we are.”

Oddly enough, even when he ignores me, though I get frustrated, I don’t always feel unimportant. I’m mature enough to realize that sometimes other things come first. That’s life. And the fact of the matter is, when I really think about it, I realize it’s done me quite a bit of good.

I’ve got a lot more patience, for one thing. Instead of just flying off the handle when he notices me doing something he doesn’t remember giving permission for, I can calmly explain to him that just the other day, we were talking, and he said he thought it was a good idea.

I’m not as self-centered as I used to be. I’m learning to fill silences with questions about the person I’m spending time with, rather than rambling on about myself. Or… I’m trying to, anyway.

I’m learning to pick my battles, and be more careful about when I wage them. I mean, if he’s typing like mad, chances are, he’s working.

Any growth is progress, right?

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